Last night during the awkward conversation, I inadvertently let slip the fact that I have not been very successful at guarding my heart against the gentleman in question.
Being a man, he had to immediately "solve" the problem, in this case by explaining it to me. That is one of the traits about men that sometimes frustrates me to no end, but other times, is just plain cute. This time it was cute, especially since it broke the awkwardness of the "I can't believe I just said that" moment I was caught in.
His explanation was that perhaps this is because the other men I have needed to guard my heart against have been pursuing me, while he hasn't. He did add that his not pursuing me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and where he is in life right now, which I thought was a kind way to soften that statement. :-)
But I have to wonder if there isn't just possibly another explanation, since my behavior these last few months has been anything but the norm for me when it comes to men.
I have, in recent months, left the guarding of my heart in God's hands, because I have never been good at it on my own. I have a tendency to see the best in everyone, so it has been easy for me to see potential in almost any man who demonstrates an interest in me. Lately, however, nobody but this one man has interested me, which leads me to wonder about something.
Could it be that God is guarding my heart for His purposes, and His purpose for me in the life of this particular man is best served if my heart is unguarded?
If I feel a depth of compassion for this man unlike any I feel for anyone else, if I clear my life of the "clutter" of other men, if I focus my attention on him and make a point of being honest, trustworthy and available to him, would that not, perhaps, work some healing in his trust issues with women? If God's intent is for me to play a part in his healing, then perhaps my unguarded heart is a necessity for that task.
I realize that this is a risky position for me to be in, but I have relinquished this relationship to God, and I honestly feel no fear. It may never lead to any type of romance, but that is okay. I am trusting God with my heart, and in this case, He has chosen to leave it unguarded.