From The Depths of My Soul

Many of my posts recently have been about the man I am interested in.  This one is different.  This post is about the One who is interested in me.

I was raised in an evangelical protestant church.  I accepted the truth of the Bible and asked Jesus to come into my heart when I was about nine years old.  But in retrospect, I think that was more like purchasing fire insurance than it was the beginning of a relationship.

In my teens, I had a series of  "one night stands" with God, often at Christian retreats or camps or other youth events.  Okay, sometimes they lasted a week.  Sometimes they may have even lasted a month.  But overall, my spiritual life was a roller coaster ride, not a genuine commitment to the One who loved me. 

In college and my 20's, I tried hard to live the way He would want me to, at least most of the time.  But something was missing even then.  I think I would characterize that decade as the decade when I tried to earn my way into God's favor.  I apparently still didn't understand that Christianity is a relationship, not a religion.

In my 30's, I was busy bearing and raising children.  An amazing thing started to happen during that time. My children began teaching me about my sin nature, about God's mercy and grace, and best of all, about unconditional love!

By the time I turned 40, I think I was finally engaged in a real relationship with God.  Suddenly, being in His word was no longer a duty, but a delight.  And then when my husband's affair came to light, I was forced to throw myself fully into God's arms, to allow Him to carry me, because I was too overwhelmed to function on my own.

And He did.

He wrapped His arms around me and carried me through every windy moment, every stormy day.  He was the center of my life, and those Psalms about Him being a rock and a fortress?  They suddenly were something I had experienced for myself.  He became my Abba Father (Daddy) and even my Husband, in many ways.

If you ask me how long I have been a Christian, I can give you three different answers.  I have been a cultural Christian my entire life.  I have been "born again" for 38 years.  But I have been a Christ-follower, a Christ-lover, for maybe seven years.

Those have been the most difficult, yet the best seven years of my life!

He Is Who He Is...And He Always Will Be!

Today's sermon was a good reminder that while we can change some things, we can't change who God is.  He is who He is and He always will be!

It Is What It Is... But Does It Have To Be?

It is what it is.  That sounds right on the surface.  I mean, how can anyone argue with the logic there?

But is this a good attitude?  Isn't there an element of fatalism or even passivity in adopting this as one's motto?

I am not one to give up easily, so this philosophy bothers me somewhat.  There are situations where it makes sense, I suppose, such as those things one honestly can't change, a la the "Serenity Prayer": 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

But as the prayer above says, there are times when one should have the courage to change the things one can, rather than  just adopting the "It is what it is" philosophy.

As a divorced mom of children under the age of 18, I still have to deal with my ex-husband, no matter how unpleasant that might be.  Sometimes those dealings are beyond unpleasant.  They can be downright annoying.  For some reason, though, several of my divorced male friends have advised me to adopt the "It is what it is" attitude when dealing with him. 

I wish I could.  But honestly, when my children are caught in the middle, I think there may be times when it would be best for me to try to change the things I can.

So I pray for wisdom. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.  (James 1:5-8 NIV)

I don't want to be double-minded or unstable.  I just want to have the wisdom to know when to fight and when to accept that it is what it is.

Thank You, God, for the wisdom you give so generously!

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Today I took a walk down memory lane.  The section I walked was in one of the uglier neighborhoods.  (No, I am not referring to the fact that I cleaned out my refrigerator and freezer today, although I had to visit some ugly memories in there, too.)  I revisited 2006, when my marriage was drawing to a close. 

I have a group of seven women who hold me accountable, hold me up in prayer, and hold my hand (figuratively speaking) when I walk through the rough times.  Our little group has been together online, with only minor changes, since May 2006...right about the time my ex-husband says he fell in love with the first other woman.  We have communicated mainly through a private online message board for the past five years.

The message board site is shutting down on Friday.  So I decided to see if I could find my posts from that very difficult time in my life and save them, if it seemed appropriate.

I found them.  I also found some surprises, things I had forgotten. 

For instance, on at least two occasions before I knew about my ex-husband's affair, his mother made comments suggesting that his actions looked suspiciously like he was having an affair.

Another memory that I had forgotten was that I was terribly unhappy in my marriage in the months while he was having his online affair, even though I didn't know about it.  Oddly enough, I even mentioned once that I wondered if he was having an online affair.  Yet even then, I was determined to make my marriage work, and to rely on God to give me the strength to do it.

I needed to read those posts again, with the benefit of hindsight.  I needed to know that I wasn't a quitter, even before things fell apart.  And I needed to be reminded that God was my strength then.

It wasn't a fun walk down Memory Lane today, but it was a good one.  I have been reminded where my strength comes from, and with that, I can move forward, building a more beautiful neighborhood from here on!

Unguarded Heart

Last night during the awkward conversation, I inadvertently let slip the fact that I have not been very successful at guarding my heart against the gentleman in question. 

Being a man, he had to immediately "solve" the problem, in this case by explaining it to me.  That is one of the traits about men that sometimes frustrates me to no end, but other times, is just plain cute.  This time it was cute, especially since it broke the awkwardness of the "I can't believe I just said that" moment I was caught in.

His explanation was that perhaps this is because the other men I have needed to guard my heart against have been pursuing me, while he hasn't.  He did add that his not pursuing me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and where he is in life right now, which I thought was a kind way to soften that statement.  :-)

But I have to wonder if there isn't just possibly another explanation, since my behavior these last few months has been anything but the norm for me when it comes to men.

I have, in recent months, left the guarding of my heart in God's hands, because I have never been good at it on my own.  I have a tendency to see the best in everyone, so it has been easy for me to see potential in almost any man who demonstrates an interest in me.  Lately, however, nobody but this one man has interested me, which leads me to wonder about something.

Could it be that God is guarding my heart for His purposes, and His purpose for me in the life of this particular man is best served if my heart is unguarded? 

If I feel a depth of compassion for this man unlike any I feel for anyone else, if I clear my life of the "clutter" of other men, if I focus my attention on him and make a point of being honest, trustworthy and available to him, would that not, perhaps, work some healing in his trust issues with women?  If God's intent is for me to play a part in his healing, then perhaps my unguarded heart is a necessity for that task. 

I realize that this is a risky position for me to be in, but I have relinquished this relationship to God, and I honestly feel no fear.  It may never lead to any type of romance, but that is okay.  I am trusting God with my heart, and in this case, He has chosen to leave it unguarded.

An Awkward Conversation

After struggling with my lustful thoughts all day, I finally realized that I needed to take some sort of concrete action to deal with the situation.  I prayed about it, and decided that I should call the man whose remark started all this.

I felt incredibly awkward admitting to this man that his joke had caused me to lust (after him, no less), but to my relief, he understood.  He even apologized.  And I did something absolutely necessary and set a boundary for our conversations:  I told him that if he wouldn't do it with someone he isn't married to, then he shouldn't mention it to me in conversation, even when just joking around. 

And then one of my female friends offered me this bit of wisdom:  male-female friendships always need boundaries, but you usually don't know what boundaries you need to set until one of you accidentally crosses the line. 

I'm glad I found the line and that my friend is willing to abide by the newly-set boundary!

Lust: An Equal Opportunity Sin

Call me naive, but for most of my life, I believed that lust was something only men struggle with.  In recent years, I've discovered that lust is an equal opportunity sin.  Today, it reared its ugly head again.

I think lust sneaks up on women differently than it does on men.  For men, I think it most often sneaks in because of something they see.  That's why Job said,   “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman."  (Job 31:1, NIV)  But for women, I think it often begins with something we hear.  Well, at least that is where it begins for me.

At church, of all places, I was assaulted by a comment made by a man in an attempt to be funny.  And I fell prey to lust.

So this afternoon, I have been trying to fight off the images and desires his words brought to my mind, and not very successfully, I might add.  I actually ended up in tears, begging God to redirect my thoughts, because I wasn't able to do so on my own.

All of this reminds me yet again of the importance of guarding our hearts and minds (the parts most affected when I battle lust).  But it also reminds me of the importance of guarding our tongues. 

Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.   (James 3:5-6)

I'm fairly certain that the man who made the "humorous" remark at church today had no idea what a fire he was starting in me, but I do feel certain that if he knew, he would feel bad that he had caused such a struggle for one of his sisters in Christ.

So let this be a warning to you, men.  Lust is an equal opportunity sin, and your words may be as harmful to a woman as an immodest outfit worn by an attractive woman is to you!