I had a conversation recently that challenged several of my beliefs and assumptions. Good thing I like challenges! :-)
First, the conversation challenged my beliefs about men. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to be a tad cynical about men. I don't like being that way, and I have been battling against it, but sometimes it creeps back in full-force.
But the man I was talking to said this:
If a man loves his wife as Christ loves the church and is willing to lay down his very life for her, she will be able to submit easily and willingly. So it is the husband's responsiblity to figure out what he is doing wrong when a wife doesn't submit or submits only out of a sense of duty. A wife should submit as a response to her husband's love and only rarely because it is "required" of her.
Wow.
I have to admit, that sounds like a marriage made in heaven, literally. And my cynicism says that it would never happen on this side of the pearly gates. But that flicker of hope in me says, "But if there are men who believe this, then it can indeed happen here! Perhaps imperfectly, but if a man were at least trying to love his wife that way..." Score one for Hope, zero for Cynicism, because there are apparently men who believe this!
And then my friend challenged a belief I have held about myself. I commented on something a wife should or shouldn't do, and added, "Not that I am an expert on being a good wife, since I have failed at that twice now."
To which my friend replied, "I disagree. I think you probably make a very good wife. You learn from your situation and aren't afraid to step back and examine what went wrong and then do it a different way in the future."
Another wow. That goes a long way to helping with the whole self-condemnation issue I've been dealing with. To see myself from that perspective helps more than my friend could've possibly known when he said that.
Final score: Hope 2; Cynicism 0.
Now you see why I like a good challenge! :-)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Learning To Be Content
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13, NASB)
Divorce changes a person's material circumstances. When I was a child, my family lived a comfortable middle-class life, until my parents divorced. Then life became a struggle financially for my mom, who was left to raise four kids on her own.
During my first marriage, my then-husband was employed only seasonally, so I learned to live frugally and to spend the abundant season preparing for the lean season. I can't say that I was always content with this situation, but I coped and learned much from it.
During my second marriage, I was blessed with a husband who earned a six-figure income. He never allowed me to know our exact financial situation, though, but always told me we could afford whatever I asked about. Then a few years before his affair, I discovered in a most embarrassing way that we had been living beyond our means, and I insisted on being a part of the finances from then on.
When he left, the amount that I had to live on was cut by more than half, yet I still had the same house with the same mortgage and only one less mouth to feed. As prices have gone up, the support has not kept pace, and I have to admit, I struggle at times to keep the bills all current.
Yet despite this, I believe that I can truly say with the apostle Paul that I have learned to be content, no matter whether in want or in need.
However, learning to be content in my marital state has been more of a struggle. I am still learning to be content to be alone with my kids 24/7, to be content when I long to be held and loved but there is nobody there, to be content when the burden of single parenting is almost crushing and I have nobody to help carry my load.
I am making progress. As I look down the road to school beginning in September, I am realizing that maybe God has kept me single so that I can focus on my education and pursue His calling with a single-minded devotion. Even though it would be wonderful to have someone to come home to after classes, maybe God knows that I need one less distraction.
At any rate, I am learning to be content in this single circumstance in which I now reside.
Divorce changes a person's material circumstances. When I was a child, my family lived a comfortable middle-class life, until my parents divorced. Then life became a struggle financially for my mom, who was left to raise four kids on her own.
During my first marriage, my then-husband was employed only seasonally, so I learned to live frugally and to spend the abundant season preparing for the lean season. I can't say that I was always content with this situation, but I coped and learned much from it.
During my second marriage, I was blessed with a husband who earned a six-figure income. He never allowed me to know our exact financial situation, though, but always told me we could afford whatever I asked about. Then a few years before his affair, I discovered in a most embarrassing way that we had been living beyond our means, and I insisted on being a part of the finances from then on.
When he left, the amount that I had to live on was cut by more than half, yet I still had the same house with the same mortgage and only one less mouth to feed. As prices have gone up, the support has not kept pace, and I have to admit, I struggle at times to keep the bills all current.
Yet despite this, I believe that I can truly say with the apostle Paul that I have learned to be content, no matter whether in want or in need.
However, learning to be content in my marital state has been more of a struggle. I am still learning to be content to be alone with my kids 24/7, to be content when I long to be held and loved but there is nobody there, to be content when the burden of single parenting is almost crushing and I have nobody to help carry my load.
I am making progress. As I look down the road to school beginning in September, I am realizing that maybe God has kept me single so that I can focus on my education and pursue His calling with a single-minded devotion. Even though it would be wonderful to have someone to come home to after classes, maybe God knows that I need one less distraction.
At any rate, I am learning to be content in this single circumstance in which I now reside.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Learning to Like Men
I have an accquaintance who has told me on several occasions that I don't like men. I am not sure I agree with his assessment, so I have been doing some self-examination, and this is my conclusion:
I do like men. I just don't have very high expectations for them, based on past disappointments, and I struggle to respect many men, because they act in ways that I consider dishonorable or weak.
How do I change that view of men? I supect that there are no books that can change my views. Talking to a counselor might help, although I wonder how a counselor could convince me of something that is directly opposed to what I have seen and experienced?
Honestly, I don't believe that ALL men are going to disappoint me. If I believed that, I would have no interest in ever being in another relationship with a man. I have also met some men who are very honorable, strong Christian men for whom I have a lot of respect.
Will time spent observing and being friends with these respectable men eventually change my attitude? And does my attitude need to change before I get involved with anyone else?
I think, although I may be mistaken, that being aware of this issue may be enough for now. I also think that I need to grow in the area of grace, so that I might extend grace to the imperfect men in my life. And I can hope that time truly does heal all wounds, so that someday, nobody will have reason to believe that I don't like men.
I do like men. I just don't have very high expectations for them, based on past disappointments, and I struggle to respect many men, because they act in ways that I consider dishonorable or weak.
How do I change that view of men? I supect that there are no books that can change my views. Talking to a counselor might help, although I wonder how a counselor could convince me of something that is directly opposed to what I have seen and experienced?
Honestly, I don't believe that ALL men are going to disappoint me. If I believed that, I would have no interest in ever being in another relationship with a man. I have also met some men who are very honorable, strong Christian men for whom I have a lot of respect.
Will time spent observing and being friends with these respectable men eventually change my attitude? And does my attitude need to change before I get involved with anyone else?
I think, although I may be mistaken, that being aware of this issue may be enough for now. I also think that I need to grow in the area of grace, so that I might extend grace to the imperfect men in my life. And I can hope that time truly does heal all wounds, so that someday, nobody will have reason to believe that I don't like men.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Of Missions and Visions
The other day, I was sharing with a friend about my marriage. I noted that at the beginning of this marriage, my desire was to submit to my husband and to allow him to be the head of our home. I explained that during my first marriage, I had constantly fought against that role, probably because what I saw growing up was an example of "submissive = doormat," which is not at all what God intends when He commands wives to submit to their husbands. Be that as it may, I went into my second marriage with high hopes for a God-pleasing marriage.
It didn't take long for me to figure out that it was difficult, if not impossible, to submit to a man who didn't have any desire to lead, who was unwilling to make any decisions, and who would never disagree with his spouse, even if she suggested something that he secretly didn't want to do. To be honest, looking back on the situation, I have to wonder what would've happened if I had matched his level of passivity with my own. Maybe eventually he would've stepped up to the plate. Or maybe not.
My friend made a very astute comment. He said, "In my experience, in those cases the couple doesn't share a vision."
It was then that I realized that my ex-husband never voiced his vision to me, if indeed he had one.
Since then, I have been mulling over the need for a personal vision.
I believe that I may need to start with a mission statement, an overriding purpose for my life, and then capture the details in a vision statement. So let me share with you what I have come up with so far for my mission statement and vision statement. Please remember, these are works in progress, and are likely to change, to be edited and refined as time goes on. But here is my starting point.
My mission is to glorify God by being an instrument of healing to people who are suffering from the relational brokenness that pervades our world.
My vision is to do this through a ministry of marriage and family counseling, where I will encourage, and challenge people to live in God-pleasing relationships, and will offer comfort to those who have been harmed by the breakdown of their families.
So there it is: My first draft of my personal mission and vision statements. I am looking forward to revising these as I begin to learn more about counseling when I start school this fall!
It didn't take long for me to figure out that it was difficult, if not impossible, to submit to a man who didn't have any desire to lead, who was unwilling to make any decisions, and who would never disagree with his spouse, even if she suggested something that he secretly didn't want to do. To be honest, looking back on the situation, I have to wonder what would've happened if I had matched his level of passivity with my own. Maybe eventually he would've stepped up to the plate. Or maybe not.
My friend made a very astute comment. He said, "In my experience, in those cases the couple doesn't share a vision."
It was then that I realized that my ex-husband never voiced his vision to me, if indeed he had one.
Since then, I have been mulling over the need for a personal vision.
I believe that I may need to start with a mission statement, an overriding purpose for my life, and then capture the details in a vision statement. So let me share with you what I have come up with so far for my mission statement and vision statement. Please remember, these are works in progress, and are likely to change, to be edited and refined as time goes on. But here is my starting point.
My mission is to glorify God by being an instrument of healing to people who are suffering from the relational brokenness that pervades our world.
My vision is to do this through a ministry of marriage and family counseling, where I will encourage, and challenge people to live in God-pleasing relationships, and will offer comfort to those who have been harmed by the breakdown of their families.
So there it is: My first draft of my personal mission and vision statements. I am looking forward to revising these as I begin to learn more about counseling when I start school this fall!
Speaking Freely About Motives
How do I know when I have earned the right to speak freely to someone about something that may come across as offensive?
Not long ago, an acquaintance shared with me that his/her marriage is ending. (I am now going to dispense with the s/he and his/her stuff....I will use the traditional generic "he," even though this person may actually be a she. I want to keep the confidence that was placed in me.)
He told me that his spouse had cheated on him in the past, but that he chose not to take advantage of his biblical right to a divorce for various reasons. I suspect there was some concern about the financial ramifications, as well as the effects on the children, so he stuck it out. His spouse, who apparently is an unbeliever, had suggested that they divorce on several occasions, but he chose to try to stick it out and make things work. As he shared his heart with me, I could hear the pain of an unloved spouse in every word he spoke and it made me incredibly sad.
However, the story doesn't end there. My acquaintance has had a best friend of the opposite sex for quite some time, but recently, the best friend divorced, and now the two of them have developed feelings for one another. So now my acquaintance is ready to divorce his spouse.
While I totally understand this person's desire to leave an unhappy marriage, and while he has biblical grounds to do so (both the adultery and the unbelieving spouse provisions apply here), I question whether he is doing this for the right reason. I am very sympathetic to his postion, but the question of how this will affect his children remains, as does the fact that his real reason for wanting a divorce is not because of the adultery or the unbelieving spouse, but because he has found someone else and wishes to pursue a new relationship. Isn't this adultery on his part, at least in his heart of hearts?
So as I talk with him as he goes through the process of separation and divorce, do I have the right to share my concern about his motives? And do I share with him that leaping from one relationship directly into another is not a wise thing to do? Do I share my concerns for his children, and how they may feel about his new relationship if he doesn't allow healing time between his divorce and beginning the new relationship?
I'm praying that God will grant me a great deal of wisdom as I talk with this person, and perhaps that He will move our acquaintanceship to the level of friendship so that I may earn the right to speak freely of my concerns.
Not long ago, an acquaintance shared with me that his/her marriage is ending. (I am now going to dispense with the s/he and his/her stuff....I will use the traditional generic "he," even though this person may actually be a she. I want to keep the confidence that was placed in me.)
He told me that his spouse had cheated on him in the past, but that he chose not to take advantage of his biblical right to a divorce for various reasons. I suspect there was some concern about the financial ramifications, as well as the effects on the children, so he stuck it out. His spouse, who apparently is an unbeliever, had suggested that they divorce on several occasions, but he chose to try to stick it out and make things work. As he shared his heart with me, I could hear the pain of an unloved spouse in every word he spoke and it made me incredibly sad.
However, the story doesn't end there. My acquaintance has had a best friend of the opposite sex for quite some time, but recently, the best friend divorced, and now the two of them have developed feelings for one another. So now my acquaintance is ready to divorce his spouse.
While I totally understand this person's desire to leave an unhappy marriage, and while he has biblical grounds to do so (both the adultery and the unbelieving spouse provisions apply here), I question whether he is doing this for the right reason. I am very sympathetic to his postion, but the question of how this will affect his children remains, as does the fact that his real reason for wanting a divorce is not because of the adultery or the unbelieving spouse, but because he has found someone else and wishes to pursue a new relationship. Isn't this adultery on his part, at least in his heart of hearts?
So as I talk with him as he goes through the process of separation and divorce, do I have the right to share my concern about his motives? And do I share with him that leaping from one relationship directly into another is not a wise thing to do? Do I share my concerns for his children, and how they may feel about his new relationship if he doesn't allow healing time between his divorce and beginning the new relationship?
I'm praying that God will grant me a great deal of wisdom as I talk with this person, and perhaps that He will move our acquaintanceship to the level of friendship so that I may earn the right to speak freely of my concerns.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Head Games
I had two conversations with divorced friends today where the topic of dating came up. One of these friends has dated several women since his divorce a couple years ago. The other has chosen not to date at all in the two years since his divorce. But oddly enough, both said almost the same thing.
The non-dater said, "I don't have time for all the head games involved in a dating relationship."
The dater said, "I'm not into the head games that go on in dating. I want a real relationship."
You know what? I'm not into head games, either. In fact, I don't know too many people who are. So why do we play head games if not many people enjoy them?
My theory is that our culture has taught us that the "proper" way to find a mate is through dating. Dating has its own set of unwritten rules, just like any game. In our culture, feelings come first, then commitment. And like all games, dating has winners and losers: some people win the one they "love" and end up with a spouse, while others "lose" and end up with a broken heart.
But what if we decided not to play the dating game, or at the very least, not to play by the rules our culture sets? What if we turned the whole thing on its head and determined how compatible we were, then made a commitment, then let the emotion of love follow the commitment?
It sounds unromantic by 21st century American standards, but it has worked in other cultures, most of which have much lower divorce rates than ours. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this form of courtship is the norm, and dating, as Americans practice it, is an aberration.
I am not opposed to romance. I am not opposed to "falling in love." But I would love to dispense with all the games and make a practical decision to commit to loving a certain person, and then carry through on it. I suppose that during the time between the initial commitment and the actual marriage, it is possible that we'd discover that there were good reasons not to carry through. This is a chance I would be willing to take. At least the relationship wouldn't be about how well each of us played the dating game.
Instead of playing games, wouldn't it be refreshing to just be honest? One of us could say, "Hey, I think we would be a good match. If you are willing, I would like to commit to investigating whether we are as well-suited for one another as it appears to me right now, with marriage as our eventual goal."
Maybe this is courtship for adults. Whatever it is, I wish I could opt out of the head games and give it a try.
The non-dater said, "I don't have time for all the head games involved in a dating relationship."
The dater said, "I'm not into the head games that go on in dating. I want a real relationship."
You know what? I'm not into head games, either. In fact, I don't know too many people who are. So why do we play head games if not many people enjoy them?
My theory is that our culture has taught us that the "proper" way to find a mate is through dating. Dating has its own set of unwritten rules, just like any game. In our culture, feelings come first, then commitment. And like all games, dating has winners and losers: some people win the one they "love" and end up with a spouse, while others "lose" and end up with a broken heart.
But what if we decided not to play the dating game, or at the very least, not to play by the rules our culture sets? What if we turned the whole thing on its head and determined how compatible we were, then made a commitment, then let the emotion of love follow the commitment?
It sounds unromantic by 21st century American standards, but it has worked in other cultures, most of which have much lower divorce rates than ours. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this form of courtship is the norm, and dating, as Americans practice it, is an aberration.
I am not opposed to romance. I am not opposed to "falling in love." But I would love to dispense with all the games and make a practical decision to commit to loving a certain person, and then carry through on it. I suppose that during the time between the initial commitment and the actual marriage, it is possible that we'd discover that there were good reasons not to carry through. This is a chance I would be willing to take. At least the relationship wouldn't be about how well each of us played the dating game.
Instead of playing games, wouldn't it be refreshing to just be honest? One of us could say, "Hey, I think we would be a good match. If you are willing, I would like to commit to investigating whether we are as well-suited for one another as it appears to me right now, with marriage as our eventual goal."
Maybe this is courtship for adults. Whatever it is, I wish I could opt out of the head games and give it a try.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Reading Ahead
I enjoy reading, so I read a lot.
One of the books in my "To Read" stack is Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. I realize that I will not be remarrying anytime soon, since I am not even in a dating relationship at this point, but I thought I might glean some insights from it anyhow, so I picked it up this morning and started reading.
The first chapter is called "Are You Ready to Get Married Again?" The Parrotts divide the signs of readiness for remarriage into two types: personal, and relational. They further divide each of these broad areas of readiness into two or three essentials.
Here's where it gets uncomfortable for me. The very first essential under personal readiness is self-concept.
I am not totally down on myself. I am aware that God loves me, and that I am uniquely and wonderfully made by Him. I know what gifts and talents and abilities He has given me. (Look out world: I've got a gift and I'm not afraid to use it! :-) ) I have seen Him work through me in people's lives, so I know that I am not useless.
But when it comes to men, and to relationships with men, I think my self-concept may need help. In the first place, I have a hard time believing that any man would be attracted to me. I am overweight, over forty and come with four kids and the baggage from two marriages. It would take a very special man to look past those issues and see my heart. In the second place, I don't really know how to be single, how to attract male attention, how to flirt, how to date. I can sort of fumble my way through meeting a potential suitor, but I look like someone with two left feet attempting to dance Swan Lake while doing it.
Here is my quandry: how do I challenge that belief that no man would be attracted to me? And how do I learn to do the entire courtship thing? It's not like I can sign up for a class in it, and book learning only takes a person so far anyhow. What specific steps can I take to grow in this area of my life, to learn to believe that God can bring a man into my life who can overlook all the negatives, or at least live with them? What specific steps can I take to learn how to start and maintain a love relationship again?
The Parrotts' book is geared for those who are already in a relationship, so I don't think this one will have the answers. But if anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them!
One of the books in my "To Read" stack is Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. I realize that I will not be remarrying anytime soon, since I am not even in a dating relationship at this point, but I thought I might glean some insights from it anyhow, so I picked it up this morning and started reading.
The first chapter is called "Are You Ready to Get Married Again?" The Parrotts divide the signs of readiness for remarriage into two types: personal, and relational. They further divide each of these broad areas of readiness into two or three essentials.
Here's where it gets uncomfortable for me. The very first essential under personal readiness is self-concept.
I am not totally down on myself. I am aware that God loves me, and that I am uniquely and wonderfully made by Him. I know what gifts and talents and abilities He has given me. (Look out world: I've got a gift and I'm not afraid to use it! :-) ) I have seen Him work through me in people's lives, so I know that I am not useless.
But when it comes to men, and to relationships with men, I think my self-concept may need help. In the first place, I have a hard time believing that any man would be attracted to me. I am overweight, over forty and come with four kids and the baggage from two marriages. It would take a very special man to look past those issues and see my heart. In the second place, I don't really know how to be single, how to attract male attention, how to flirt, how to date. I can sort of fumble my way through meeting a potential suitor, but I look like someone with two left feet attempting to dance Swan Lake while doing it.
Here is my quandry: how do I challenge that belief that no man would be attracted to me? And how do I learn to do the entire courtship thing? It's not like I can sign up for a class in it, and book learning only takes a person so far anyhow. What specific steps can I take to grow in this area of my life, to learn to believe that God can bring a man into my life who can overlook all the negatives, or at least live with them? What specific steps can I take to learn how to start and maintain a love relationship again?
The Parrotts' book is geared for those who are already in a relationship, so I don't think this one will have the answers. But if anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them!
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