What is flirting?
A male friend told me that men see it as a "conquest," that it has nothing to do with emotions.
I sincerely hope that he is wrong.
I think there are at least three types of flirting, and maybe more. One type is casual, with no real purpose other than to brighten someone's day by letting them know that you find them worth flirting with. My ex-father-in-law and ex-brother-in-law are experts at this form of flirting. They practice it with waitresses, store clerks, and even women they are related to. I don't think they put much thought into it, that it is something which comes naturally to them....they see a female, and instinctively turn on the charm. I have been accused of this type of flirting myself, although I generally don't even realize when I am doing it.
Another type is more purposeful. That is the type I think of when I define flirting. For me, flirting is the lighthearted wordplay and banter that goes on between a man and a woman who are interested in "testing the waters" with one another. This is the flirting that invites the other person to take the next step, to inititate a date and see if there really is any relationship potential there.
A third type is a form of foreplay, but this type is pretty much off-limits to me for now. If I ever remarry, I will get to enjoy this type again. It involves looks, whispers, touches, and other secret signals that a couple develop on their own as they become intimately involved with one another.
So where would my friend's view of flirting as a "conquest" fit into those types? Maybe, just possibly, it could fit into the purposeful flirting...the man "conquers" if he convinces the woman to go out with him. And I suppose it could fit into the third definition, in the sense that he "conquers" his wife when he finally gets her alone and all the hints become reality.
Either way, I would hope there is some emotion involved. Otherwise, when men flirt, they are leading women on and setting them up for a broken heart somewhere down the line. I would hope that most men wouldn't find any thrill in that type of victory.
So how do other men see flirting?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Grab Bag
First, an announcement: I have been accepted into a graduate program in marriage and family counseling!!! I am thrilled, but I will be even more thrilled when I see how God plans to pay for it. Tuition alone will be between $5625 and $7500 per semester, and we all know that textbooks and other fees aren't cheap...to say nothing of the gas to commute to school. So please pray that God will provide the resources for me to go to school, since I truly believe that this is His will for me. Thank you!
Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog.
I have so many questions running through my mind, which I would love comments on. So here is my grab bag of a post. Feel free to grab and respond to as many as you'd like!
1. How can a divorced person who was cheated on by his/her spouse learn to trust again?
2. How long should a courtship last? (Hey, I am probably already at the midpoint of my life, so I'm running out of time! :-) )
3. Why do the men who have been interested in me all have at least one big flaw? Let's see, so far, one lived too far away; a couple have never had children and would be overwhelmed by life with my four; one had no teeth - no, I am NOT kidding!; one really should reconcile with his wife...
4. How do I let a man know that I am interested, without seeming pushy or scaring him off?
5. Is it bad that my list of what I DON'T want in a man is at least as long as my list of what I DO want?
6. Would I be able to handle being a stepmother?
7. If a man flirts with me, does that mean he likes me?
8. And another one like that: Why do people flirt if they have no intention of letting it go any further?
9. Since we're on the topic, if a man flirts with me every time he sees me, to the point where my kids tell me he likes me, but then he tells me that he has no interest in dating or remarrying, is he sending a mixed message? If so, what is the REAL message?
Looking forward to your wisdom on these matters!
Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog.
I have so many questions running through my mind, which I would love comments on. So here is my grab bag of a post. Feel free to grab and respond to as many as you'd like!
1. How can a divorced person who was cheated on by his/her spouse learn to trust again?
2. How long should a courtship last? (Hey, I am probably already at the midpoint of my life, so I'm running out of time! :-) )
3. Why do the men who have been interested in me all have at least one big flaw? Let's see, so far, one lived too far away; a couple have never had children and would be overwhelmed by life with my four; one had no teeth - no, I am NOT kidding!; one really should reconcile with his wife...
4. How do I let a man know that I am interested, without seeming pushy or scaring him off?
5. Is it bad that my list of what I DON'T want in a man is at least as long as my list of what I DO want?
6. Would I be able to handle being a stepmother?
7. If a man flirts with me, does that mean he likes me?
8. And another one like that: Why do people flirt if they have no intention of letting it go any further?
9. Since we're on the topic, if a man flirts with me every time he sees me, to the point where my kids tell me he likes me, but then he tells me that he has no interest in dating or remarrying, is he sending a mixed message? If so, what is the REAL message?
Looking forward to your wisdom on these matters!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dating Again
I have finally figured out why I can't figure out this whole dating thing. It's because the rules have all changed since the last time I was dating. Or maybe the problem is that I have changed.
The last time I was in the dating scene, I was a career woman with no children. Aside from the 40 hours, plus or minus, that I had to put in at my job to pay my bills, my time was my own. The choices I made affected only me. My own needs were the only ones I was responsible for meeting.
Now, I am a homeschooling mom of four children. My time is not my own, my choices affect five people, and I have five people's needs to meet.
This means that I have limited time for dating. No longer do I have every evening and weekend free to go out. Going out now means making sure one of my older children or some adult family member or friend is available to watch my younger kids. I feel guilty if I leave them too often. Additionally, I have to plan around their schedules, which aren't always predictable, because since none of them drive yet and we only have one vehicle, I am often in the role of taxi-driver.
This also means that I can't choose dating over all other leisure activities. No longer can I afford to choose not to sleep in favor of dating, because without sleep, I can't function well as a mom. I also can't choose to put off grocery shopping and allow my dates to provide my dinners, since most dates wouldn't want to buy for five extra people. :-) Nor can I choose to go out with just anyone. Plain and simple, if my kids don't like a man, he is out of the running.
This means, too, that I have others' needs to consider. No longer can I think first and foremost about what I need...I am responsible to meet my children's needs, and quite frankly, their needs come first at this stage in our lives. So things that could be put off or recheduled in favor of a date no longer can be. My children's needs must be met before I can go out and have fun.
All of this makes dating a totally different experience than it was in the past. Now dating needs to be more utilitarian. (Anyone want to go out for a fun night at the grocery store?) It needs to combine fun with responsibility, even if that responsibility is just taking my kids to their next event. (Anyone want to ride along while I drop the gang off at AWANA tonight?) And my date needs to impress not just me, but also my four children. (Anyone think you can outdo the man they've already picked out for me?)
So I will muddle through this. If I am honest, this time of not dating is good for me. It is helping me to figure out what my kids and I need and want in a man, which means that I am becoming more choosy and more responsible about who I will go out with. I'm also learning to wait on God and let Him bring the right man along, one who is willing to put up with all the complications of dating a mom-of-four. :-)
The last time I was in the dating scene, I was a career woman with no children. Aside from the 40 hours, plus or minus, that I had to put in at my job to pay my bills, my time was my own. The choices I made affected only me. My own needs were the only ones I was responsible for meeting.
Now, I am a homeschooling mom of four children. My time is not my own, my choices affect five people, and I have five people's needs to meet.
This means that I have limited time for dating. No longer do I have every evening and weekend free to go out. Going out now means making sure one of my older children or some adult family member or friend is available to watch my younger kids. I feel guilty if I leave them too often. Additionally, I have to plan around their schedules, which aren't always predictable, because since none of them drive yet and we only have one vehicle, I am often in the role of taxi-driver.
This also means that I can't choose dating over all other leisure activities. No longer can I afford to choose not to sleep in favor of dating, because without sleep, I can't function well as a mom. I also can't choose to put off grocery shopping and allow my dates to provide my dinners, since most dates wouldn't want to buy for five extra people. :-) Nor can I choose to go out with just anyone. Plain and simple, if my kids don't like a man, he is out of the running.
This means, too, that I have others' needs to consider. No longer can I think first and foremost about what I need...I am responsible to meet my children's needs, and quite frankly, their needs come first at this stage in our lives. So things that could be put off or recheduled in favor of a date no longer can be. My children's needs must be met before I can go out and have fun.
All of this makes dating a totally different experience than it was in the past. Now dating needs to be more utilitarian. (Anyone want to go out for a fun night at the grocery store?) It needs to combine fun with responsibility, even if that responsibility is just taking my kids to their next event. (Anyone want to ride along while I drop the gang off at AWANA tonight?) And my date needs to impress not just me, but also my four children. (Anyone think you can outdo the man they've already picked out for me?)
So I will muddle through this. If I am honest, this time of not dating is good for me. It is helping me to figure out what my kids and I need and want in a man, which means that I am becoming more choosy and more responsible about who I will go out with. I'm also learning to wait on God and let Him bring the right man along, one who is willing to put up with all the complications of dating a mom-of-four. :-)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Lone Ranger Syndrome
Lately, I have noticed a scary syndrome sneaking into some of my single parent friends' lives. I call this syndrome "Lone Ranger Syndrome." To be honest, I have fallen prey to it myself, although not nearly as much recently as in the past.
Lone Ranger syndrome is when a single parent thinks he or she can do it all on their own.
Good luck with that.
God didn't create us to be alone. Genesis 2:18 makes this clear:
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
A pet can ease some of the loneliness, but animals aren't the suitable helper God had in mind. Children can be helpful, but they are not the suitable helper that God had in mind either. Genesis 2:19-22 provides more insight into this.
Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
So the original design called for a man and a woman to be together, and for a woman to be a helper to her husband. But some of us are no longer in a marriage relationship where we have (or can function as) that helper. God, however, has not left us helpless.
God sets the lonely in families... Psalm 68:6a
So what does this family look like for a single parent home? I believe that it extends beyond the boundaries of the nuclear family. I believe that the "family" God gives us includes our brothers and sisters in Christ.
For some of us, our family will be centered on our church body. The church as a whole will provide some of the needed "missing ingredients" we need help with, whether in the form of finances, meals, or advice and counsel. For others, our family will be centered on our Christian friends, who may or may not attend our own church.
I have the privilege of being friends with several other single parents, and these other broken families have in many ways become my family. My God-given drive to be a suitable helper is satisfied when I give cooking advice to a single dad, or give the children of a single parent a ride to youth group, or point a fellow single mom to a resource that will help her and her children out. And God provides help for me through these families, as well. One friend may look over my resume for me, another may provide me with medical advice, and yet another may get me out of the house when I am in danger of burning out on parenting.
In all of these ways, I fight back against Lone Ranger syndrome. It isn't always easy to humble myself and admit that I can't do it all by myself, but when I choose to see those who help me as a provision from God, it becomes easier. And I praise Him for putting this lonely woman and her children into a family. :-)
Lone Ranger syndrome is when a single parent thinks he or she can do it all on their own.
Good luck with that.
God didn't create us to be alone. Genesis 2:18 makes this clear:
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
A pet can ease some of the loneliness, but animals aren't the suitable helper God had in mind. Children can be helpful, but they are not the suitable helper that God had in mind either. Genesis 2:19-22 provides more insight into this.
Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
So the original design called for a man and a woman to be together, and for a woman to be a helper to her husband. But some of us are no longer in a marriage relationship where we have (or can function as) that helper. God, however, has not left us helpless.
God sets the lonely in families... Psalm 68:6a
So what does this family look like for a single parent home? I believe that it extends beyond the boundaries of the nuclear family. I believe that the "family" God gives us includes our brothers and sisters in Christ.
For some of us, our family will be centered on our church body. The church as a whole will provide some of the needed "missing ingredients" we need help with, whether in the form of finances, meals, or advice and counsel. For others, our family will be centered on our Christian friends, who may or may not attend our own church.
I have the privilege of being friends with several other single parents, and these other broken families have in many ways become my family. My God-given drive to be a suitable helper is satisfied when I give cooking advice to a single dad, or give the children of a single parent a ride to youth group, or point a fellow single mom to a resource that will help her and her children out. And God provides help for me through these families, as well. One friend may look over my resume for me, another may provide me with medical advice, and yet another may get me out of the house when I am in danger of burning out on parenting.
In all of these ways, I fight back against Lone Ranger syndrome. It isn't always easy to humble myself and admit that I can't do it all by myself, but when I choose to see those who help me as a provision from God, it becomes easier. And I praise Him for putting this lonely woman and her children into a family. :-)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Defeated
I thought I could do it, really I did. But I am finding out that I can't. I can't be a single parent and a homeschooler.
I am just so bone-weary of this.
If I look at it objectively, nothing much has really changed. My ex-husband wasn't very involved in the actual schooling. Every year, he'd tell me he was going to take charge of math and/or science experiments and sometimes even read-alouds, but most years, within a few weeks, I'd realize that he hadn't checked any of the kids' math tests,was way behind on experiments, and had lost interest in reading aloud after the first book. So I would pick up the slack.
But the fact remains that he was there. In the evenings when I had a busy day, he would be there so I could have some "me time" to go shopping or out with a friend or even just to shut myself away in my room and read. When I had a child who wasn't cooperative, their father would speak to them sternly and let them know what was expected of them in the future. And for some reason, the boys, especially, took their dad's exhortations much better than they do mine.
Another aspect of my weariness is that it is almost time to begin shopping for curriculum for next school year again. This was never a problem when I was married. The income tax refund was set aside for that purpose, and as soon as it arrived, I could load my virtual shopping carts at the various sites and have curriculum delivered right to our door.
Last year, however, my ex-husband, who is under court-order to pay for the curriculum, decided that he could find better deals on the books my eldest daughter needed. We use a literature-based curriculum, with 50 or more books a year, which are all neatly scheduled in the instructor's guide and a part of the curriculum packages we have traditionally bought. Last year, my ex-husband nixed the package. He ordered used books from a variety of sources. Many of them were the wrong editions, which has made figuring out exactly which pages my daughter is supposed to read on any given day a nightmare. Additionally, he put off ordering some of the curriculum, which gave her a late start in Latin. And he still hasn't reimbursed me for the Latin, nor for the subjects that I bought at the homeschool convention last May.
I don't feel like I have the energy to fight him on curriculum this year.
So now I am trying to decide what to do. I will allow my eldest to do her senior year of high school here at home, but I think I need to find something else for the younger three children. I hate the idea of being tied to the school's calendar, but I think it may be necessary. I am considering Christian school, although that would mean a fight over tuition with my ex-husband, and transportation. I am also considering cyber-school, since that would make my children accountable to someone other than me, and I wouldn't have to spend all day everyday nagging at my boys to get their work done.
Please pray for me. I know I was called by God to homeschool my children, and I am still not 100% certain that I have reached the end of that calling, but I don't see how I can continue.
I am defeated.
I am just so bone-weary of this.
If I look at it objectively, nothing much has really changed. My ex-husband wasn't very involved in the actual schooling. Every year, he'd tell me he was going to take charge of math and/or science experiments and sometimes even read-alouds, but most years, within a few weeks, I'd realize that he hadn't checked any of the kids' math tests,was way behind on experiments, and had lost interest in reading aloud after the first book. So I would pick up the slack.
But the fact remains that he was there. In the evenings when I had a busy day, he would be there so I could have some "me time" to go shopping or out with a friend or even just to shut myself away in my room and read. When I had a child who wasn't cooperative, their father would speak to them sternly and let them know what was expected of them in the future. And for some reason, the boys, especially, took their dad's exhortations much better than they do mine.
Another aspect of my weariness is that it is almost time to begin shopping for curriculum for next school year again. This was never a problem when I was married. The income tax refund was set aside for that purpose, and as soon as it arrived, I could load my virtual shopping carts at the various sites and have curriculum delivered right to our door.
Last year, however, my ex-husband, who is under court-order to pay for the curriculum, decided that he could find better deals on the books my eldest daughter needed. We use a literature-based curriculum, with 50 or more books a year, which are all neatly scheduled in the instructor's guide and a part of the curriculum packages we have traditionally bought. Last year, my ex-husband nixed the package. He ordered used books from a variety of sources. Many of them were the wrong editions, which has made figuring out exactly which pages my daughter is supposed to read on any given day a nightmare. Additionally, he put off ordering some of the curriculum, which gave her a late start in Latin. And he still hasn't reimbursed me for the Latin, nor for the subjects that I bought at the homeschool convention last May.
I don't feel like I have the energy to fight him on curriculum this year.
So now I am trying to decide what to do. I will allow my eldest to do her senior year of high school here at home, but I think I need to find something else for the younger three children. I hate the idea of being tied to the school's calendar, but I think it may be necessary. I am considering Christian school, although that would mean a fight over tuition with my ex-husband, and transportation. I am also considering cyber-school, since that would make my children accountable to someone other than me, and I wouldn't have to spend all day everyday nagging at my boys to get their work done.
Please pray for me. I know I was called by God to homeschool my children, and I am still not 100% certain that I have reached the end of that calling, but I don't see how I can continue.
I am defeated.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Family Dating for Adults
I've been thinking a lot about how or if I could apply the same standards of dating to my own life that I have for my teens while they live in my household. As I described in a previous post, basically there is no unchaperoned dating permitted, and both our family and the family of the "significant other" is involved in the relationship.
So here are my current thoughts on the matter. Warning: they are still in the formation process, so there may be inconsistencies or flaws in my reasoning. Feel free to point these out to me if you notice them. It will help me.
Originally, I thought it would be impossible for someone my age who has been previously married to do "family dating," especially since conventional wisdom says that a parent shouldn't introduce her dates to her children until the relationship is serious. However, I disagree with the conventional wisdom. I believe that it assumes that a person is going to play the dating game by the standards set by our culture, which basically means serial monogamy.
I have to reject that idea. I have tried it and it doesn't work for me. Traditional dating is a lot like going shopping for clothes, and trying on one outfit after another. I don't mind trying on clothing (well, except for swimsuits...that is just depressing), but trying on men? Uhm, no. There is just something wrong with that model for finding the love of my life.
So if I am not going to do the serial monogamy thing anymore, I need to figure out the "rules" for how this works on my own.
Here is what I have come up with.
1. I don't want to go out with strangers. I would prefer to "date" someone whom I have met in a place we both frequent anyhow, like church or the cafe my kids and I hang out at. So chances are, my kids will have already met this person in that context anyhow.
2. I don't want to start to build a relationship with someone, possibly lose my heart to him, and then find out that he and my kids are not compatible. I've already had that happen, and I am not willing to go through that again.
3. If the man that I am "going out with" has children of his own, I want to know that his children can get along with me and my children when we are all together as a group. This makes sense to me, since if we ended up marrying one another, our children would be forced to live together.
4. As a single parent, my dating time is limited, so I would prefer "dates" that include accomplishing something, or at the very least, having fun with my kids.
5. As a previously married person, chastity is a challenge for me. I know how sweet the forbidden fruit is, so I need some pretty firm boundaries to keep me away from it. Having my children along on dates would definitely provide those boundaries.
6. It is possible to have private adult conversations without being in a tempting situation. Just having the kids in the house (although not necessarily the same room) provides boundaries, but can allow for privacy.
7. If I choose to remarry, one of the ways that I will know that it is God's will is if my children are accepting, or dare I hope, even enthusiastic about it. Thus, they need time to get to know any man who may become a major part of our lives and to watch how he treats me and them, so they can determine whether or not they would be able to accept him into our family.
I am sure there are many aspects of this I am missing here, but it is a work in progress. What do you all think? Is this kind of relationship possible for a divorced, single mom?
So here are my current thoughts on the matter. Warning: they are still in the formation process, so there may be inconsistencies or flaws in my reasoning. Feel free to point these out to me if you notice them. It will help me.
Originally, I thought it would be impossible for someone my age who has been previously married to do "family dating," especially since conventional wisdom says that a parent shouldn't introduce her dates to her children until the relationship is serious. However, I disagree with the conventional wisdom. I believe that it assumes that a person is going to play the dating game by the standards set by our culture, which basically means serial monogamy.
I have to reject that idea. I have tried it and it doesn't work for me. Traditional dating is a lot like going shopping for clothes, and trying on one outfit after another. I don't mind trying on clothing (well, except for swimsuits...that is just depressing), but trying on men? Uhm, no. There is just something wrong with that model for finding the love of my life.
So if I am not going to do the serial monogamy thing anymore, I need to figure out the "rules" for how this works on my own.
Here is what I have come up with.
1. I don't want to go out with strangers. I would prefer to "date" someone whom I have met in a place we both frequent anyhow, like church or the cafe my kids and I hang out at. So chances are, my kids will have already met this person in that context anyhow.
2. I don't want to start to build a relationship with someone, possibly lose my heart to him, and then find out that he and my kids are not compatible. I've already had that happen, and I am not willing to go through that again.
3. If the man that I am "going out with" has children of his own, I want to know that his children can get along with me and my children when we are all together as a group. This makes sense to me, since if we ended up marrying one another, our children would be forced to live together.
4. As a single parent, my dating time is limited, so I would prefer "dates" that include accomplishing something, or at the very least, having fun with my kids.
5. As a previously married person, chastity is a challenge for me. I know how sweet the forbidden fruit is, so I need some pretty firm boundaries to keep me away from it. Having my children along on dates would definitely provide those boundaries.
6. It is possible to have private adult conversations without being in a tempting situation. Just having the kids in the house (although not necessarily the same room) provides boundaries, but can allow for privacy.
7. If I choose to remarry, one of the ways that I will know that it is God's will is if my children are accepting, or dare I hope, even enthusiastic about it. Thus, they need time to get to know any man who may become a major part of our lives and to watch how he treats me and them, so they can determine whether or not they would be able to accept him into our family.
I am sure there are many aspects of this I am missing here, but it is a work in progress. What do you all think? Is this kind of relationship possible for a divorced, single mom?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
School Daze
I love to learn. I am one of those odd people who would be a perpetual student if I could. As a homeschooler, I have plenty of opportunities to learn and I can make a lesson out of almost anything for my kids.
It seems to me that God is also a homeschooler, making lessons out of anything and everything for His children. I am one of His students, and like my students some days, I am a bit reluctant. You see, God is teaching me patience.
This isn't my first class in patience. I had that class a few years ago. Talk about painful! It was worse than the electrical wiring class where I got knocked on my backside when I touched a screwdriver to a live wire. But I passed the class and learned a lot about waiting on God.
I guess this must be Patience 102. Once again, I am not enjoying it.
One of the objectives for this class seems to be to learn to guard my heart. Apparently I am learning-challenged, because I am totally not getting it on this point! I'm struggling with separating compassion from passion; with how not to be transparent in my emotions while remaining truthful; and with the different kinds of love.
But today I was reminded of one of the keys to guarding my heart. Philippians 4:7 says, And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
So now I need to figure out how to rest in the peace of God. Oh yeah, and that peace "transcends all understanding," And somehow, I am supposed to understand it?
I think I need a tutor for this one!
It seems to me that God is also a homeschooler, making lessons out of anything and everything for His children. I am one of His students, and like my students some days, I am a bit reluctant. You see, God is teaching me patience.
This isn't my first class in patience. I had that class a few years ago. Talk about painful! It was worse than the electrical wiring class where I got knocked on my backside when I touched a screwdriver to a live wire. But I passed the class and learned a lot about waiting on God.
I guess this must be Patience 102. Once again, I am not enjoying it.
One of the objectives for this class seems to be to learn to guard my heart. Apparently I am learning-challenged, because I am totally not getting it on this point! I'm struggling with separating compassion from passion; with how not to be transparent in my emotions while remaining truthful; and with the different kinds of love.
But today I was reminded of one of the keys to guarding my heart. Philippians 4:7 says, And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
So now I need to figure out how to rest in the peace of God. Oh yeah, and that peace "transcends all understanding," And somehow, I am supposed to understand it?
I think I need a tutor for this one!
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