I thought I could do it, really I did. But I am finding out that I can't. I can't be a single parent and a homeschooler.
I am just so bone-weary of this.
If I look at it objectively, nothing much has really changed. My ex-husband wasn't very involved in the actual schooling. Every year, he'd tell me he was going to take charge of math and/or science experiments and sometimes even read-alouds, but most years, within a few weeks, I'd realize that he hadn't checked any of the kids' math tests,was way behind on experiments, and had lost interest in reading aloud after the first book. So I would pick up the slack.
But the fact remains that he was there. In the evenings when I had a busy day, he would be there so I could have some "me time" to go shopping or out with a friend or even just to shut myself away in my room and read. When I had a child who wasn't cooperative, their father would speak to them sternly and let them know what was expected of them in the future. And for some reason, the boys, especially, took their dad's exhortations much better than they do mine.
Another aspect of my weariness is that it is almost time to begin shopping for curriculum for next school year again. This was never a problem when I was married. The income tax refund was set aside for that purpose, and as soon as it arrived, I could load my virtual shopping carts at the various sites and have curriculum delivered right to our door.
Last year, however, my ex-husband, who is under court-order to pay for the curriculum, decided that he could find better deals on the books my eldest daughter needed. We use a literature-based curriculum, with 50 or more books a year, which are all neatly scheduled in the instructor's guide and a part of the curriculum packages we have traditionally bought. Last year, my ex-husband nixed the package. He ordered used books from a variety of sources. Many of them were the wrong editions, which has made figuring out exactly which pages my daughter is supposed to read on any given day a nightmare. Additionally, he put off ordering some of the curriculum, which gave her a late start in Latin. And he still hasn't reimbursed me for the Latin, nor for the subjects that I bought at the homeschool convention last May.
I don't feel like I have the energy to fight him on curriculum this year.
So now I am trying to decide what to do. I will allow my eldest to do her senior year of high school here at home, but I think I need to find something else for the younger three children. I hate the idea of being tied to the school's calendar, but I think it may be necessary. I am considering Christian school, although that would mean a fight over tuition with my ex-husband, and transportation. I am also considering cyber-school, since that would make my children accountable to someone other than me, and I wouldn't have to spend all day everyday nagging at my boys to get their work done.
Please pray for me. I know I was called by God to homeschool my children, and I am still not 100% certain that I have reached the end of that calling, but I don't see how I can continue.
I am defeated.