I'm trying to figure out why my emotions won't obey my intellect.
In my head, I know all the reasons why I don't need a husband, boyfriend, or other relationship with a man. I understand that at this point in my life, I don't have time for a relationship. I am committed to my children and school, and I have made a rational decision that this is not the time to throw a man into the mix.
I've even asked God to take away any desire for a romantic relationship.
My heart refuses to get with the program. I am lonely, and my heart wants a stable, emotionally intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I want someone to hold me at the end of a long day, to offer me a backrub when I have been sitting in front of the computer for too long, to listen to me vent when I read something I don't agree with.
And it's not just ANY man. If it were, I know of at least one who would be a willing candidate. I want a man with a certain set of qualities.
Funny thing is, I suspect that even if a man who seemed perfect for me and my kids came along today, my caution would cause me to take a long time to get to know him, to find out if he really had the qualities I am looking for. So even if Mr. Perfect showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't have what my emotions desire for quite some time.
But still, I can't help but borrow David's lament in Psalm 13:1-2:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
My heart wants to know when God will remember me, turn His face toward me, rid me of these silly emotions, give me happiness, and allow me to triumph over loneliness once and for all.
My head knows He already has.
If only my emotions would behave!