I have been asking God to show me a way out of a certain situation for a while now. Recently, He seemed to be doing just that. I saw a door ahead of me, and I thought maybe this was the way I had asked for. The door was a bit scary, though, because I couldn't see what might be on the other side of it, and it was only open the tiniest crack, so I approached it with some trepidation. Before I got the whole way to it, it slammed shut.
So here I am, still wondering what God is doing and why He hasn't shown me the way out.
One thought that keeps trying to sneak in, but I am not certain if it is from God or from my own faulty human logic, is that maybe, just maybe, God is telling me that I am not supposed to leave this situation. Maybe He wants me to stay in it, until I have accomplished something or learned something. Maybe, just maybe, the lesson I need to learn is to be content while I wait on Him to take care of this situation.
If only I knew!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
An Open Letter to Married Men
Allow me to be blunt: If you are a married man, you should NOT be flirting with me. Let me clarify: If you are a married man and you put the moves on me, do you really expect me to respond positively? My husband cheated on me, so do you honestly think that I will be impressed by a married man who flirts with other women? Really? Do you think I'm that stupid, that desperate?
Let me note, this is not addressed to any one specific man, but rather to the several married men who have tried to start something with me in the past few years, to the men who thought because I wasn't wearing a wedding ring, I would be flattered by their attention.
Admittedly, when I was still reeling from the shock of finding out about my husband's affair and his leaving, I was more vulnerable. I sucked up that attention like a kid slurping the last bit of a chocolate milkshake out of the glass.
But no more. I am not stupid. If you, as a married man, will behave that way with me, a woman who is not your wife, why on earth would I want to get involved with you? You've already clearly demonstrated your inability to be faithful. I've already been there, done that with a cheating husband, and I am not signing up for that root canal again!
So take my advice: stop flirting with me. You aren't doing me a favor. You certainly aren't doing your wife a favor. And quite honestly, you are making yourself look like a pathetic cheating jerk, so you aren't doing yourself a favor.
That's all. Putting my soapbox away.
Let me note, this is not addressed to any one specific man, but rather to the several married men who have tried to start something with me in the past few years, to the men who thought because I wasn't wearing a wedding ring, I would be flattered by their attention.
Admittedly, when I was still reeling from the shock of finding out about my husband's affair and his leaving, I was more vulnerable. I sucked up that attention like a kid slurping the last bit of a chocolate milkshake out of the glass.
But no more. I am not stupid. If you, as a married man, will behave that way with me, a woman who is not your wife, why on earth would I want to get involved with you? You've already clearly demonstrated your inability to be faithful. I've already been there, done that with a cheating husband, and I am not signing up for that root canal again!
So take my advice: stop flirting with me. You aren't doing me a favor. You certainly aren't doing your wife a favor. And quite honestly, you are making yourself look like a pathetic cheating jerk, so you aren't doing yourself a favor.
That's all. Putting my soapbox away.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Silence Is Golden
I've been thinking about the things people say to one another when they are trying to offer comfort or wisdom. I'm especially thinking about those things that I have said to friends in the past, with the best of intentions, but somehow, I missed the mark totally. Sometimes, I just needed to say what I said at a different time...like maybe years later when I actually knew what I was talking about because I had finally walked a mile in shoes that resembled theirs. More often than not, though, I needed to just not say anything.
One of those things that well-meaning people say (okay, okay, that I have said in the past, before I knew better) is, "You should be able to find all you need in God. You shouldn't need another person to be happy." That was pretty easy for me to say when I was happily married. It's pretty easy for the famous Christian author/speaker who goes home to her supportive husband after she speaks to say. But the truth of the matter is, it's wrong and it is not easy for unmarried people to hear.
God is not all a person needs to be happy.
Before you drag me outside the gates and stone me for heresy, let me explain.
When God created man, He saw all that he had made, and it was very good. (Genesis 1:31). But then in Genesis 2:18, things get a little more complicated. The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. So if God is all we need, why did God create "a helper suitable" for man? God's design from the very beginning was that people need fellowship and intimacy with other people. And He created not a same sex best friend for Adam, but a woman, a wife with whom he could have that intimacy.
Apparently God did not intend for man to find all that he needed in Himself. He intended from the start to provide for some of man's needs through the intimate relationship between one man and one woman.
Another point: Being HAPPY is not the same as being JOYFUL. Happiness depends on circumstances. Joy depends on something much deeper, in my case, a relationship with God. So although I may not be happy at times, I can still have joy. That joy is what comes from being in right relationship with God, not happiness. God never guarantees anyone happiness, and even when I am in close relationship with God, there will be times when I am in a slump where I am not happy.
As you may have noticed, I go through periodic slumps when I really miss being married. And it seems that each time I go through one of my slumps, some well-meaning friend shares that bit of widsom about finding all I need to be happy in God and God alone. While I appreciate these friends' attempts to help, sometimes I wish they just wouldn't say anything at all. Sometimes, I don't need a gem like that. Sometimes, silence is golden and a hug conveys more than mere words can.
But as I noted at the beginning, I am prone to offering such wrong advice at times myself. Thus, I leave you with this prayer I need to pray often:
God, please seal my lips with your holy muzzle (Psalm 39) and let me open my mouth only when I can say something that will glorify You! Amen.
One of those things that well-meaning people say (okay, okay, that I have said in the past, before I knew better) is, "You should be able to find all you need in God. You shouldn't need another person to be happy." That was pretty easy for me to say when I was happily married. It's pretty easy for the famous Christian author/speaker who goes home to her supportive husband after she speaks to say. But the truth of the matter is, it's wrong and it is not easy for unmarried people to hear.
God is not all a person needs to be happy.
Before you drag me outside the gates and stone me for heresy, let me explain.
When God created man, He saw all that he had made, and it was very good. (Genesis 1:31). But then in Genesis 2:18, things get a little more complicated. The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. So if God is all we need, why did God create "a helper suitable" for man? God's design from the very beginning was that people need fellowship and intimacy with other people. And He created not a same sex best friend for Adam, but a woman, a wife with whom he could have that intimacy.
Apparently God did not intend for man to find all that he needed in Himself. He intended from the start to provide for some of man's needs through the intimate relationship between one man and one woman.
Another point: Being HAPPY is not the same as being JOYFUL. Happiness depends on circumstances. Joy depends on something much deeper, in my case, a relationship with God. So although I may not be happy at times, I can still have joy. That joy is what comes from being in right relationship with God, not happiness. God never guarantees anyone happiness, and even when I am in close relationship with God, there will be times when I am in a slump where I am not happy.
As you may have noticed, I go through periodic slumps when I really miss being married. And it seems that each time I go through one of my slumps, some well-meaning friend shares that bit of widsom about finding all I need to be happy in God and God alone. While I appreciate these friends' attempts to help, sometimes I wish they just wouldn't say anything at all. Sometimes, I don't need a gem like that. Sometimes, silence is golden and a hug conveys more than mere words can.
But as I noted at the beginning, I am prone to offering such wrong advice at times myself. Thus, I leave you with this prayer I need to pray often:
God, please seal my lips with your holy muzzle (Psalm 39) and let me open my mouth only when I can say something that will glorify You! Amen.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Behave, Silly Emotions!
I'm trying to figure out why my emotions won't obey my intellect.
In my head, I know all the reasons why I don't need a husband, boyfriend, or other relationship with a man. I understand that at this point in my life, I don't have time for a relationship. I am committed to my children and school, and I have made a rational decision that this is not the time to throw a man into the mix.
I've even asked God to take away any desire for a romantic relationship.
He hasn't.
My heart refuses to get with the program. I am lonely, and my heart wants a stable, emotionally intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I want someone to hold me at the end of a long day, to offer me a backrub when I have been sitting in front of the computer for too long, to listen to me vent when I read something I don't agree with.
And it's not just ANY man. If it were, I know of at least one who would be a willing candidate. I want a man with a certain set of qualities.
Funny thing is, I suspect that even if a man who seemed perfect for me and my kids came along today, my caution would cause me to take a long time to get to know him, to find out if he really had the qualities I am looking for. So even if Mr. Perfect showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't have what my emotions desire for quite some time.
Silly emotions.
But still, I can't help but borrow David's lament in Psalm 13:1-2:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
My heart wants to know when God will remember me, turn His face toward me, rid me of these silly emotions, give me happiness, and allow me to triumph over loneliness once and for all.
My head knows He already has.
If only my emotions would behave!
In my head, I know all the reasons why I don't need a husband, boyfriend, or other relationship with a man. I understand that at this point in my life, I don't have time for a relationship. I am committed to my children and school, and I have made a rational decision that this is not the time to throw a man into the mix.
I've even asked God to take away any desire for a romantic relationship.
He hasn't.
My heart refuses to get with the program. I am lonely, and my heart wants a stable, emotionally intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I want someone to hold me at the end of a long day, to offer me a backrub when I have been sitting in front of the computer for too long, to listen to me vent when I read something I don't agree with.
And it's not just ANY man. If it were, I know of at least one who would be a willing candidate. I want a man with a certain set of qualities.
Funny thing is, I suspect that even if a man who seemed perfect for me and my kids came along today, my caution would cause me to take a long time to get to know him, to find out if he really had the qualities I am looking for. So even if Mr. Perfect showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't have what my emotions desire for quite some time.
Silly emotions.
But still, I can't help but borrow David's lament in Psalm 13:1-2:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
My heart wants to know when God will remember me, turn His face toward me, rid me of these silly emotions, give me happiness, and allow me to triumph over loneliness once and for all.
My head knows He already has.
If only my emotions would behave!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Red Lights and Yellow Lights
Whether we admit it or not, I think we all have certain "red light" issues - those traits or characteristics in a potential suitor that shut the relationship down before it has a chance to get off the ground. Over the past few years, there has been a subtle shift in my red light issues.
For instance, smoking used to be an immediate red light. But about a year ago, I began spending time at a local cafe, where I made a lot of new friends. None of these friends were potential suitors. In fact, most were female or married or way too young to be a romantic interest. However, some of these new friends were smokers. As I got to know them, I realized that smoking does not necesarily reflect poorly on a person's character. I would still have to call smoking a yellow light issue, as I am not sure I would enjoy kissing a smoker, but then I don't enjoy kissing someone who has just had a beer or a cup of coffee, either.
Other circumstances have added some new red light issues to my list. For instance, a man who hasn't been divorced for long, or worse yet, isn't yet divorced and is already out there looking for a new woman causes an immediate red light to go off. Also, as I get to know a man, if I find that his reasons for being divorced are not in any way, shape or form biblically justifiable, that is a definite red light.
Some of my old red lights have become even stronger. Men who have been arrested for acts of violence against a woman, which awakens childhood fears from seeing my dad pushing and hitting my mom, are completely out of the running, even if they have taken an anger management course. Likewise, men who think that threatening to spank a woman is fun trigger a very strong red light for me. I am not denying the ability of men to change, but that is a risk I am not willing to take.
Perhaps the strongest red light for me is a man who doesn't love the Lord. I am not ruling these men out because I don't think they will ever be in love with my God; I am just not getting involved with them while they don't love and serve Him.
Men who are new Christians tend to trigger a yellow light for me. I recognize a need to go slowly and observe. Same thing with men who have been divorced more than once, or who seem to move from one relationship to another, never pausing to process why one relationship ended before moving into another.
I realize that following my instinctive red and yellow lights probably cuts way down on my possibility of ever remarrying, but I would rather be safe and single than to run those lights and end up in a great deal of trouble and pain!
So what are some of your red lights or yellow lights? Have they changed over the years?
For instance, smoking used to be an immediate red light. But about a year ago, I began spending time at a local cafe, where I made a lot of new friends. None of these friends were potential suitors. In fact, most were female or married or way too young to be a romantic interest. However, some of these new friends were smokers. As I got to know them, I realized that smoking does not necesarily reflect poorly on a person's character. I would still have to call smoking a yellow light issue, as I am not sure I would enjoy kissing a smoker, but then I don't enjoy kissing someone who has just had a beer or a cup of coffee, either.
Other circumstances have added some new red light issues to my list. For instance, a man who hasn't been divorced for long, or worse yet, isn't yet divorced and is already out there looking for a new woman causes an immediate red light to go off. Also, as I get to know a man, if I find that his reasons for being divorced are not in any way, shape or form biblically justifiable, that is a definite red light.
Some of my old red lights have become even stronger. Men who have been arrested for acts of violence against a woman, which awakens childhood fears from seeing my dad pushing and hitting my mom, are completely out of the running, even if they have taken an anger management course. Likewise, men who think that threatening to spank a woman is fun trigger a very strong red light for me. I am not denying the ability of men to change, but that is a risk I am not willing to take.
Perhaps the strongest red light for me is a man who doesn't love the Lord. I am not ruling these men out because I don't think they will ever be in love with my God; I am just not getting involved with them while they don't love and serve Him.
Men who are new Christians tend to trigger a yellow light for me. I recognize a need to go slowly and observe. Same thing with men who have been divorced more than once, or who seem to move from one relationship to another, never pausing to process why one relationship ended before moving into another.
I realize that following my instinctive red and yellow lights probably cuts way down on my possibility of ever remarrying, but I would rather be safe and single than to run those lights and end up in a great deal of trouble and pain!
So what are some of your red lights or yellow lights? Have they changed over the years?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Catching Up and a Question for Discusssion
Looks like time got away from me again. I have a feeling that will be the case for the next 18 months, until I finish school. But honestly, I would rather be overwhelmingly busy right here in the center of God's will for me than living a life of leisure anywhere else. Oh wait. I am the single mom of three teenagers and a 10-year-old. I wouldn't be living a life of leisure even if I weren't in school. :-)
I am coming up on the fifth anniversary of "D-Day," the disclosure-day when my then-husband's affair came to light. For some reason, I get a little "scattered" each year as that day approaches. Fortunately, each year it impacts me a little less. This year, I am more self-aware than in the past, so I am able to recognize the source of my ditziness and work at maintaining my balance. At any rate, your prayers this coming Sunday will be especially appreciated, as the Sunday before Thanksgiving is my D-Day anniversary.
I am going to totally deviate from the topics of school and my life as a divorced mom to ask a question, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please respond here or on the link on my Facebook page!
The question is this: Why do so many men feel that it is disrespectful for a woman to question their opinion in any way? Maybe I should first ask, is this the norm for most men, or have I just had the rare misfortune of encountering multiple men who believe that respect means never disagreeing? This is how my ex-husband interpreted any opinion of mine that differed from his, and over the past few years, I have seen this same attitude in several other men, and heard about it from other women who have observed it in men they know. So let's discuss this, and maybe we will all learn something.
I am coming up on the fifth anniversary of "D-Day," the disclosure-day when my then-husband's affair came to light. For some reason, I get a little "scattered" each year as that day approaches. Fortunately, each year it impacts me a little less. This year, I am more self-aware than in the past, so I am able to recognize the source of my ditziness and work at maintaining my balance. At any rate, your prayers this coming Sunday will be especially appreciated, as the Sunday before Thanksgiving is my D-Day anniversary.
I am going to totally deviate from the topics of school and my life as a divorced mom to ask a question, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please respond here or on the link on my Facebook page!
The question is this: Why do so many men feel that it is disrespectful for a woman to question their opinion in any way? Maybe I should first ask, is this the norm for most men, or have I just had the rare misfortune of encountering multiple men who believe that respect means never disagreeing? This is how my ex-husband interpreted any opinion of mine that differed from his, and over the past few years, I have seen this same attitude in several other men, and heard about it from other women who have observed it in men they know. So let's discuss this, and maybe we will all learn something.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Coming Up for Air
My life has been so hectic lately that some days, I can hardly catch my breath! Today, for instance, I had two mid-terms. I also had one last Thursday. I know I am where God has called me to be, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning.
School is wonderful! I am learning so much, although at this point, it's mostly theory. Still, it's nice to be able to put words to what I experienced when I went through my divorce. My favorite class is Faith-Based Counseling, where we are learning to integrate psychology and theology. The reading I have done for that class often echos the Bible study and/or Sunday School lessons I am doing, so I feel like I am hearing God so clearly.
Another exciting thing is how God has been defining and refining what I am going to do with my degree when I finish school. He has given me a vision that is much bigger than I thought when I finally obeyed and applied for this program. I can't share details now, but I have no doubt that He has a wonderful plan for me!
My kids are adjusting well. The oldest got her acceptance letter to the same college I am attending, so next fall, she will be here on campus and I will get to see her when I come for classes. My oldest son is doing just fine with his adjustment to public school, and I have heard so many good things about him from the administrators and teachers there. I feel like I am finally starting to see the payoff for all the years of homeschooling, for the frustrations of being a single mom. My next daughter is considering attending an arts-based charter school next fall. My big concern now is preparing my youngest son for the changes that may be necessary in his life next fall, as I may have no choice but to send him to school. I'm leaving that in God's hands, though.
A big revelation: I have mentioned before that I have a male friend who I wouldn't mind getting to know better. He is not yet recovered from his divorce enough to date. But I realized that if the rule of thumb that it takes 1 year of recovery for every 4 years of marriage applies, he should be ready to date just about the time I finish school. Coincidence? Maybe. But then again, maybe it is a God-incidence. At any rate, I don't have time to even think about dating anyone right now, so looks like I will be waiting until then anyhow. :-)
Okay, back to school. I'll try to do better at keeping up here. Someday soon I want to write about my thoughts about how churches support (or don't support) divorced families. Hold me to that!
School is wonderful! I am learning so much, although at this point, it's mostly theory. Still, it's nice to be able to put words to what I experienced when I went through my divorce. My favorite class is Faith-Based Counseling, where we are learning to integrate psychology and theology. The reading I have done for that class often echos the Bible study and/or Sunday School lessons I am doing, so I feel like I am hearing God so clearly.
Another exciting thing is how God has been defining and refining what I am going to do with my degree when I finish school. He has given me a vision that is much bigger than I thought when I finally obeyed and applied for this program. I can't share details now, but I have no doubt that He has a wonderful plan for me!
My kids are adjusting well. The oldest got her acceptance letter to the same college I am attending, so next fall, she will be here on campus and I will get to see her when I come for classes. My oldest son is doing just fine with his adjustment to public school, and I have heard so many good things about him from the administrators and teachers there. I feel like I am finally starting to see the payoff for all the years of homeschooling, for the frustrations of being a single mom. My next daughter is considering attending an arts-based charter school next fall. My big concern now is preparing my youngest son for the changes that may be necessary in his life next fall, as I may have no choice but to send him to school. I'm leaving that in God's hands, though.
A big revelation: I have mentioned before that I have a male friend who I wouldn't mind getting to know better. He is not yet recovered from his divorce enough to date. But I realized that if the rule of thumb that it takes 1 year of recovery for every 4 years of marriage applies, he should be ready to date just about the time I finish school. Coincidence? Maybe. But then again, maybe it is a God-incidence. At any rate, I don't have time to even think about dating anyone right now, so looks like I will be waiting until then anyhow. :-)
Okay, back to school. I'll try to do better at keeping up here. Someday soon I want to write about my thoughts about how churches support (or don't support) divorced families. Hold me to that!
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