Silence Is Golden

I've been thinking about the things people say to one another when they are trying to offer comfort or wisdom.  I'm especially thinking about those things that I have said to friends in the past, with the best of intentions, but somehow, I missed the mark totally. Sometimes, I just needed to say what I said at a different time...like maybe years later when I actually knew what I was talking about because I had finally walked a mile in shoes that resembled theirs.  More often than not, though, I needed to just not say anything. 

One of those things that well-meaning people say (okay, okay, that I have said in the past, before I knew better) is, "You should be able to find all you need in God.  You shouldn't need another person to be happy."  That was pretty easy for me to say when I was happily married.  It's pretty easy for the famous Christian author/speaker who goes home to her supportive husband after she speaks to say.  But the truth of the matter is, it's wrong and it is not easy for unmarried people to hear.

God is not all a person needs to be happy. 

Before you drag me outside the gates and stone me for heresy, let me explain.

When God created man,  He saw all that he had made, and it was very good.  (Genesis 1:31).  But then in Genesis 2:18, things get a little more complicated.  The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.   So if God is all we need, why did God create "a helper suitable" for man?  God's design from the very beginning was that people need fellowship and intimacy with other people.  And He created not a same sex best friend for Adam, but a woman, a wife with whom he could have that intimacy. 

Apparently God did not intend for man to find all that he needed in Himself.  He intended from the start to provide for some of man's needs through the intimate relationship between one man and one woman.

Another point:  Being HAPPY is not the same as being JOYFUL.  Happiness depends on circumstances.  Joy depends on something much deeper, in my case, a relationship with God.  So although I may not be happy at times, I can still have joy.  That joy is what comes from being in right relationship with God, not happiness.  God never guarantees anyone happiness, and even when I am in close relationship with God, there will be times when I am in a slump where I am not happy.

As you may have noticed, I go through periodic slumps when I really miss being married.  And it seems that each time I go through one of my slumps, some well-meaning friend shares that bit of widsom about finding all I need to be happy in God and God alone.  While I appreciate these friends' attempts to help, sometimes I wish they just wouldn't say anything at all.  Sometimes, I don't need a gem like that. Sometimes, silence is golden and a hug conveys more than mere words can.

But as I noted at the beginning, I am prone to offering such wrong advice at times myself.  Thus, I leave you with this prayer I need to pray often:

God, please seal my lips with your holy muzzle (Psalm 39) and let me open my mouth only when I can say something that will glorify You!  Amen.

Behave, Silly Emotions!

I'm trying to figure out why my emotions won't obey my intellect. 

In my head, I know all the reasons why I don't need a husband, boyfriend, or other relationship with a man.  I understand that at this point in my life, I don't have time for a relationship.  I am committed to my children and school, and I have made a rational decision that this is not the time to throw a man into the mix. 

I've even asked God to take away any desire for a romantic relationship.

He hasn't. 

My heart refuses to get with the program.  I am lonely, and my heart wants a stable, emotionally intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex.  I want someone to hold me at the end of a long day, to offer me a backrub when I have been sitting in front of the computer for too long, to listen to me vent when I read something I don't agree with.

And it's not just ANY man.  If it were, I know of at least one who would be a willing candidate.  I want a man with a certain set of qualities. 

Funny thing is, I suspect that even if a man who seemed perfect for me and my kids came along today, my caution would cause me to take a long time to get to know him, to find out if he really had the qualities I am looking for.  So even if Mr. Perfect showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't have what my emotions desire for quite some time.

Silly emotions.

But still, I can't help but borrow David's lament in Psalm 13:1-2:

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

My heart wants to know when God will remember me, turn His face toward me, rid me of these silly emotions, give  me happiness, and allow me to triumph over loneliness once and for all.

My head knows He already has.

If only my emotions would behave!

Red Lights and Yellow Lights

Whether we admit it or not, I think we all have certain "red light" issues - those traits or characteristics in a potential suitor that shut the relationship down before it has a chance to get off the ground.  Over the past few years, there has been a subtle shift in my red light issues. 

For instance, smoking used to be an immediate red light.  But about a year ago, I began spending time at a local cafe, where I made a lot of new friends.  None of these friends were potential suitors.  In fact, most were female or married or way too young to be a romantic interest.  However, some of these new friends were smokers. As I got to know them, I realized that smoking does not necesarily reflect poorly on a person's character.  I would still have to call smoking a yellow light issue, as I am not sure I would enjoy kissing a smoker, but then I don't enjoy kissing someone who has just had a beer or a cup of coffee, either.

Other circumstances have added some new red light issues to my list.  For instance, a man who hasn't been divorced for long, or worse yet, isn't yet divorced and is already out there looking for a new woman causes an immediate red light to go off.  Also, as I get to know a man, if I find that his reasons for being divorced are not in any way, shape or form biblically justifiable, that is a definite red light. 

Some of my old red lights have become even stronger.  Men who have been arrested for acts of violence against a woman, which awakens childhood fears from seeing my dad pushing and hitting my mom, are completely out of the running, even if they have taken an anger management course.  Likewise, men who think that threatening to spank a woman is fun trigger a very strong red light for me. I am not denying the ability of men to change, but that is a risk I am not willing to take.

Perhaps the strongest red light for me is a man who doesn't love the Lord.  I am not ruling these men out because I don't think they will ever be in love with my God;  I am just not getting involved with them while they don't love and serve Him.

Men who are new Christians tend to trigger a yellow light for me.  I recognize a need to go slowly and observe.  Same thing with men who have been divorced more than once, or who seem to move from one relationship to another, never pausing to process why one relationship ended before moving into another.

I realize that following my instinctive red and yellow lights probably cuts way down on my possibility of ever remarrying, but I would rather be safe and single than to run those lights and end up in a great deal of trouble and pain!

So what are some of your red lights or yellow lights?  Have they changed over the years?

Catching Up and a Question for Discusssion

Looks like time got away from me again.  I have a feeling that will be the case for the next 18 months, until I finish school.  But honestly, I would rather be overwhelmingly busy right here in the center of God's will for me than living a life of leisure anywhere else.  Oh wait.  I am the single mom of three teenagers and a 10-year-old.  I wouldn't be living a life of leisure even if I weren't in school.  :-)

I am coming up on the fifth anniversary of "D-Day," the disclosure-day when my then-husband's affair came to light.  For some reason, I get a little "scattered" each year as that day approaches.  Fortunately, each year it impacts me a little less.  This year, I am more self-aware than in the past, so I am able to recognize the source of my ditziness and work at maintaining my balance.  At any rate, your prayers this coming Sunday will be  especially appreciated, as the Sunday before Thanksgiving is my D-Day anniversary.

I am going to totally deviate from the topics of school and my life as a divorced mom to ask a question, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this, so please respond here or on the link on my Facebook page! 

The question is this:  Why do so many men feel that it is disrespectful for a woman to question their opinion in any way?  Maybe I should first ask, is this the norm for most men, or have I just had the rare misfortune of encountering multiple men who believe that respect means never disagreeing?  This is how my ex-husband interpreted any opinion of mine that differed from his, and over the past few years, I have seen this same attitude in several other men, and heard about it from other women who have observed it in men they know.  So let's discuss this, and maybe we will all learn something.

Coming Up for Air

My life has been so hectic lately that some days, I can hardly catch my breath!  Today, for instance, I had two mid-terms.  I also had one last Thursday.   I know I am where God has called me to be, but sometimes I feel like I am drowning.

School is wonderful!  I am learning so much, although at this point, it's mostly theory.  Still, it's nice to be able to put words to what I experienced when I went through my divorce.  My favorite class is Faith-Based Counseling, where we are learning to integrate psychology and theology.  The reading I have done for that class often echos the Bible study and/or Sunday School lessons I am doing, so I feel like I am hearing God so clearly. 

Another exciting thing is how God has been defining and refining what I am going to do with my degree when I finish school.  He has given me a vision that is much bigger than I thought when I finally obeyed and applied for this program.  I can't share details now, but I have no doubt that He has a wonderful plan for me!

My kids are adjusting well.  The oldest got her acceptance letter to the same college I am attending, so next fall, she will be here on campus and I will get to see her when I come for classes.  My oldest son is doing just fine with his adjustment to public school, and I have heard so many good things about him from the administrators and teachers there.  I feel like I am finally starting to see the payoff for all the years of homeschooling, for the frustrations of being a single mom.  My next daughter is considering attending an arts-based charter school next fall.  My big concern now is preparing my youngest son for the changes that may be necessary in his life next fall, as I may have no choice but to send him to school.  I'm leaving that in God's hands, though.

A big revelation:  I have mentioned before that I have a male friend who I wouldn't mind getting to know better.  He is not yet recovered from his divorce enough to date.  But I realized that if the rule of thumb that it takes 1 year of recovery for every 4 years of marriage applies, he should be ready to date just about the time I finish school.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But then again, maybe it is a God-incidence.  At any rate, I don't have time to even think about dating anyone right now, so looks like I will be waiting until then anyhow.  :-)

Okay, back to school.  I'll try to do better at keeping up here.  Someday soon I want to write about my thoughts about how churches support (or don't support) divorced families.  Hold me to that!

Changes

I'm in a season of change right now, and I'm embracing those changes!

First, for the first time ever, one of my kids is going to public school.  My 15-year-old son is fairly certain that he wants to be an electrician, and as I have watched him grow, I feel pretty sure that is the way he should go.  So in order to "train up [my] child in the way he should go," (Proverbs 22:6), I am sending him to vocational school and to the public school for a few classes this year.  He will still do history at home, as the history topic this year is church history, so he is technically dual-enrolled.

Second, I am heading back to grad school.  I begin tomorrow.  I know that I am being called into a counseling ministry and/or career, and this is the way God is leading me to prepare for that calling.  Honestly, I am nervous, a bit afraid that four babies and close to 20 years of being out of school may have diminished my ability to learn, but if God wants me to do this, He will equip me.

Finally, and this may seem minor to some of you, but I am back to only having four kids hanging around the house most days.  Over the summer, a couple of my kids' friends hung out here most weekdays.  But now they are also back to school.  The house seems a bit emptier, much quieter and less busy.

So far, my son loves school, especially his vocational training.  And to be honest, I can't wait to begin classes tomorrow.  The quieter house is more conducive to getting schoolwork done with my other three kids, so even that is a blessing.

I do have a few prayer requests, though.  Would you please remember my son in your prayers as he adjusts to going to school in a district where he is a minority both racially and as a Christian?  Pray that he will be able to be a beacon of light, pointing others to Christ, rather than being influenced by them. 

Also, please pray that I will be able to handle my busy schedule (two nights a week of class this semester, for a total of 12 graduate credits), and find time to study.

Please keep my other three kids in your prayers as well.  The oldest is a senior this year, and her year got off to a rocky start, because her father still hasn't sent much of her curriculum.  She is doing as much as she can without books, but she is afraid she may not be able to do justice to the courses where she is still waiting on curriculum and will have to rush to get through them when he finally does send it.  The younger two will need to be more responsible and work more independently, since my time to work with them will be cut short two days a week when I go to school.

Above all, please pray that God's will be done in our family.  If these changes glorify Him, then it is all worthwhile, but if it becomes mere change for the sake of change, it is worthless.  :-)

A Dozen Reasons

Much to everyone's surprise, my ex did pick up the three youngest kids and take them to his place in Canada for a week...well, for a week if all goes well.  If it doesn't, he will bring them back early.  But I asked the kids to please be on their best behavior for their dad, so maybe they will stay the entire week.

I miss them already, and they've been away from me less than 48 hours.  Their older sister also misses them.  But we need to look on the bright side of this.  So guess what?  I have another list for you!  This time, it's a dozen reasons why having my kids gone until next Friday is a good thing.

1. I get to spend some quality time with my eldest, who will be off to college in just over a year.  I am going to make the most of our time together, because too often, in the busyness of life, my time with her is cut short by chores and interruptions from her siblings.

2. I may be able to clean house more effectively without people following me around messing it up as fast as I clean it.

3.  We can eat things the younger kids don't like, which generally means that we will be eating much healthier this week...well, except that...

4. I can afford to go to the local ice cream joint, since I will only have to buy ice cream for two of us!

5. I can take care of paperwork and other chores that are hard to do with interruptions of "Hey Mom," which is usually followed by some earth-shattering news about the video game my son has been trying to master or a bit of trivia about whichever animal my daughter is reading about.  And THAT is followed by me pulling my hair out as I start over AGAIN!

6. I can go to bed earlier than usual...or stay up later than usual to read.

7. I can run around the house in my summer jammies, which is something I don't do if my boys are home, for reasons of modesty and not grossing anyone out.

8.  I can blog every day if I have something worth saying every day, since nobody will interrupt me while I am writing.

9. My daughter and I can go out with one of her friends and her friend's mom, without worrying about leaving the kids home with their 15-year-old brother. 

10. We can watch chick flicks!

11. When I put food in the refrigerator or pantry, I know it will still be there when I return, instead of having vast quantities of food disappear into the bottomless pit that my oldest boy has become.

12. I can play "Just Dance" on the wii with only ONE person laughing at me, instead of four. 

And there they are:  a dozen reasons to be glad that my kids are spending a week with their dad. 

If you are a divorced parent, what are some of the positives to your time without your kids?